Obscenities

This Christmas has been full of obscenities... That's right... I said it. Obscenities that I will remember for the rest of my life.
One: I spent a worry free afternoon at the Yardhouse with my mom and brother while waiting to see Sherlock Holmes, the second best movie of the year
Two: I finished the fifth season of Dexter on Christmas Eve
Three: I went for a lovely hike around Lake Gregory with my mom and Pearle after opening one of the best gifts I have received, my own socket set!
Four: This one is by far the most obscene, a visit from my best friend ever, Karen Bush.... I have missed her more than anything in my life to date!

This is for you, Karen. I hope to update this thing more so we can not only Facebook stalk each other but also creep out on each others blogs!

Another new blog series...

My life is an endless series of changing series...

Yes. This is how I feel most of the time. Everything changes so quickly, before I know it I am going to bed wondering where my day went. Not to say that my day is not full or I didn't get any work done. It is quite the opposite really. It's not a walk in the park to try and open your own business and the reality of the matter is that it is going to take a lot longer than I realized. But I think I am slightly prepared for it.

Anyways, I have known the fact that I don't like to journal (sorry to break it to everyone but blogger is a journal) so it seems natural that I don't post blogs, and when I do it's about all sorts of random things. BUT I have come to a point that I need to write down my thoughts, because I have a lot of them unfortunately.

So, here it goes. It's short.

I have learned that life very much sucks and there is nothing I can do about it. BUT, the good thing about that is I can accept this fact and move on with my life. I am not forced to sit in front of a mirror and recollect all the shitty things that have happened. I CAN MOVE ON, and I will. God has provided me a way out of the system that society wants me to be a part of and I chose to accept it.

Next time there will be more substance, I promise, this is just a start.

New Blog Series: My Brother

So, I went for a long walk today with my mother and Teresa and we discussed the subject of me writing a book. After several attempts at reading books written for Christians I have resolved to write a book that would solve everyone's problems. It would solve everything from "How to Save Your Marriage" to "How to Get Married" to "How to be a Woman of God" to "How to Poop Like a Christian". So I would write my book and call it, "Its Answered" and it would consist of 200 blank pages until the last one and it would have one line on it saying, "Seek after the Heart of God and all this shit will be taken care of."

Simple.

But now that I am on to my second book I thought this one could be a little more thought out. You know, require a bit more brain power. I know, I know. How could it get better than that? you're wondering. Well, it just might.

As we were all walking, stories about my brother Joseph, I call him Joe, came up. For all of my readers, or lack there of, my brother is autistic. This only means one thing, he is very stubborn. So as we were laughing about all the little things he does to piss us off, Teresa mentioned I should write my next book about Joe. I laughed and said in my head, 'There's plenty of things he does that would fill a book.' But it dawned on me, what a great idea! So I'm going to start writing about memories I have of my brother and what it was like growing up...

It starts with Chapter One: Background

This is by no means a literal book. But a journal so to say. It won't be edited to look fancy or sound proficient... it's about my autistic brother for crying out loud, who doesn't care about grammar. So as long as these ground rules are accepted, I shall divulge.

It is my intention to reveal the life lessons I have learned through Joe. There have been many. I also have learned quite a bit about God through my brother because he views the world differently than I do.

Some of my earliest memories of growing up sort of mend together into one large scene. I can picture the apartments we lived in, the pool, the neighbors, the old lady, the asphalt I fell on, the store across the street, the new house, the new neighbors, the treehouse, the 3-inch thorn (I'll get to that later) and the green felt for carpet. But to sit here and try to remember specific things will definitely be a challenge. Especially the ones that just include Joe.

I guess the best place to start is to mention that I have two brothers, in fact, Joe and Josh. Josh is the oldest, Joe in the middle and then there's me. Oh, and I wasn't supposed to be born either. When my parents had Joe they knew he was different. They knew that there was something a little off about him and they weren't sure how much attention he was going to require. So they decided to have my mom's tubes tied so they wouldn't be unfair to more children if Joe required serious attention. Well... I came along and the doctor went 'oops, my bad' and so the story exists.

Josh and I were born in Nampa, Idaho and Joe was born in Sacramento, California due to a short move for my dad's job. We moved to Redlands, California when I was three and its where we've been ever since. We moved into a condo which looked and felt more like an apartment, with only two bedrooms. This meant that the three kids shared one room. But it was awesome because we had this huge bunk with a trundle underneath so we all had our own beds. It was massive and we'd use it as a hideout, stakeout, gym or any other thing that was needed for our imaginations.

It was a two story condo with the family room and kitchen downstairs and the bedrooms upstairs. The stairs served both as racing turf and sleeping bag slides. I still remember sliding down and slamming into the wall at the end of the stairs. Every kid must have stairs. Our dinner table was glass and you could see through it. The kitchen was tiny and we had this awful pink patterned couch. The carpet was something left over from the 70's and the decor never left the 80's. But considering we grew up in the 90's, we weren't that far behind.

Now back to Joe. I'm not sure if I can put these memories from the earliest to most recent but I will just start with the ones I can remember as far back as I can.

Chapter Two to come...

Torn

If I could relate myself to anything right now it would probably be that rock in those commercials trying to sell anti-depressants.

Yes. Another emo post.

But here's the thing about the rock. I don't think he is struggling with depression. He is struggling with the fact that this stupid little bird is chirping and hopping all over and the rock is having an identity crisis. He knows he is just a rock and can't fly around all happy-go-lucky. But his circumstances tell him different. Maybe they are circumstances or maybe it is peer pressure from that little blue bird. Now I don't want to put down the little bird because he doesn't know any better right? I mean all he knows is to sing and dance and the rock is doing neither. So this inner struggle erupts where the rock is suppressing how he really feels to fit in more with the bird.

This is all making sense right? Not so much.

Here's the thing about me. There is an inner 16 year old with pimples and self confidence issues that is dying to come out or at least be expressed. I feel as if my circumstances are suppressing that little girl and telling her it's not ok that she come out at this time. Meanwhile, people are dancing around her who shouldn't be dancing. There is nothing in these circumstances that qualify dancing. Not even back-up dancing. So I am torn. Do I let this girl out even though it seems like she should be tucked safely away in my back pocket?

As much as I would love to let that little girl out and all the tantrums that come with it I am softly being reminded that I can still walk in confidence DESPITE my circumstances. It really kind of sucks tho because I want to play toward those emotions of anger and frustration and hurt and confusion. But God is whispering to me and asking me 'Aren't I your strength? Aren't I the one who gives your rest?' And I agree of course but inside I want to say "No!" while stomping my feet on the ground because it just doesn't seem fair!

So then I really can't even be torn. I can't even get the sympathy vote for anything because my strength isn't my own. Talk about unfair. I can't even use it as a pick-up line! All I can do is crawl to a corner, let the little girl out for a little bit. Clean up the mess and then get back to my life.

What a day.

You can call me Emo

Since I now have one follower (fist bump to my girl) I feel I owe it to my reader(s) to post.

This weekend has been nothing short of a cuss word. Maybe the one that starts with an 's' and you could probably throw in a couple of the ones that start with an 'f'. And then on top of that it should end with a very long sentence made up of all sorts of cuss words kinda like the finale of a fireworks show. That'd be very appropriate.

Without going into detail I just want it noted that there's a reason why kids don't do the right thing despite the circumstances or outcomes... it's because sometimes it just outright sucks. It sounds like the right thing and maybe even looks like the right thing but it sure as hell doesn't feel like the right thing. I mean, reality bites right? That's what everyone says. Or maybe it's the commercials that say that. It just doesn't seem fair but then life isn't fair... blah blah blah...

I hate that relator is my number one strength. Because right now I don't want it to be.

Fasting + lack of blogging = I've got something to say

So I am looking at the other side of a 21 day fast. Now I'm not sure if I mentioned earlier but this was indeed a spiritual fast. And I hate that statement. Really. It sounds so... churchy. But oh well, I did it and that is what it was. I'm trying to gather my thoughts about what I came out with versus what I went in with.

I went in with the expectation that I would gain clarity on my life. That my life would somehow start to make sense and I would gather some kind of motivation to start in a direction. I also wanted clarity on my relationships. Those I should keep and those I should let go. And maybe not my favorite but I also went in with an expectation that I would see the world as God sees it.

First off I lost 4 pounds of myself and I would like to not find it ever again. Second, I came away with something more than I thought I would have.

Clarity: God simply showed me that if I set my focus on the right things my life becomes more clear than I could ever imagine. Clarity is always there, the problem occurs when I let the crappy things of life, or the distracting things cloud the clarity I have already been granted. If I believe that I have absolute freedom in Christ then there is a sense of clarity that comes with that and I don't want to lose it.

Direction: This is the funny one. I already have direction. Well what do I mean by that? God doesn't care what job I have or don't have. He doesn't care if I pursue a PHD in Math, go to UCR, CSUSB, UCI, Cal Poly, or Valley. He doesn't care that I have two dogs, a bed to sleep in, a floor to stand on, or a pan to cook food in. He doesn't care about my comfort. Weird. Now it almost sounds bad as in God doesn't care about me. But that's the thing. None of those are me. None of those ARE me. Do you get it? He cares about me. He cares that I wake up in the morning and go "Hello! Thank you for my breath." Now I do believe that he cares about the passions of my heart and he has placed certain desires in my nature because he wants me to have an overly abundant life. I didn't get that until now.

Relationships: If you read my subtitle you saw that "Relator" is my number one strength. I am destined for relationships. So when I asked God for revelation about the relationships I should keep or let go he answered in a very simple and soft way. He said Love all of my people. This combines the last two things I was looking for out of this fast and it is absolutely amazing the outcome. I 100% did not expect to hear that I don't have to get rid of any of my relationships! I felt like I was having a conversation with myself and it went like this...

Me: I don't know what to do. Should I stay friends with this person? Should I still keep these relationships? The Other Me: Why do you feel like you need to let relationships go? Me: Well, we aren't supposed to be friends with people who don't have their life in order right? The Other Me: Do you have your life in order? Me: Well, not exactly but I kind of know where I belong. It's not like I am in and out of jail or anything. The Other Me: What will you do without these relationships? Me: Well, I could read more books, probably workout a little more or get a job. The Other Me: Have you ever considered that your relationships are worth more than all that stuff? Me: Well, yea. The Other Me: Do you look at people through the eyes of love? Me: No.

Yea, that conversation felt a little something like that. I'm thinking "The Other Me" was slightly personified by God and he was showing me that I need to love more. And the more that I love the deeper the relationships I will have and the more I can grow. For so long I thought I had to pick and choose who I could keep as a friend... "Well this person isn't a christian, or This person has bad habits." Rubbish. Where are your roots of faith? Are they strong? Do you want to work out the hands of your faith? What about the feet of your faith? Do you believe that God works through ALL things that are good? Then why on Earth would you throw away a relationship that could change your life?

Wow. That seems pretty profound but what is even more amazing is it all flooded to me in a very simple way, while I was praying outside with my hand on a door.

So what do I want? Hands down, an overly abundant life.

Going on Day 4

So it is day 4 of the fast mentioned in a previous post and as I sit at the computer all I can think about is Baker's bean and cheese burritos. Oh Mammma!

But seriously, it hasn't been horrible going on a vegetarian diet. It's not like I can't eat any food. But it has opened my eyes that I like a lot of things with a lot of cheese, grease, fat, bread and wonderful flavors. That includes things like pizza, garlic bread, pasta, pizza, bread with butter, pizza... You get my drift? And through all this God is telling me that I shouldn't love food. I mean, come on! Food is like, amazing! I'm not supposed to love it? and dream of it? or crave it? That sucks.

At the closing of day 4 God is presenting himself to be seemingly sufficient. But when I walk into Barnes and Noble and it smells like fresh baked chocolate croissants, it is very hard to remember.

Bring it on day 21... I can't wait until I am staring at you in the face.