Torn

If I could relate myself to anything right now it would probably be that rock in those commercials trying to sell anti-depressants.

Yes. Another emo post.

But here's the thing about the rock. I don't think he is struggling with depression. He is struggling with the fact that this stupid little bird is chirping and hopping all over and the rock is having an identity crisis. He knows he is just a rock and can't fly around all happy-go-lucky. But his circumstances tell him different. Maybe they are circumstances or maybe it is peer pressure from that little blue bird. Now I don't want to put down the little bird because he doesn't know any better right? I mean all he knows is to sing and dance and the rock is doing neither. So this inner struggle erupts where the rock is suppressing how he really feels to fit in more with the bird.

This is all making sense right? Not so much.

Here's the thing about me. There is an inner 16 year old with pimples and self confidence issues that is dying to come out or at least be expressed. I feel as if my circumstances are suppressing that little girl and telling her it's not ok that she come out at this time. Meanwhile, people are dancing around her who shouldn't be dancing. There is nothing in these circumstances that qualify dancing. Not even back-up dancing. So I am torn. Do I let this girl out even though it seems like she should be tucked safely away in my back pocket?

As much as I would love to let that little girl out and all the tantrums that come with it I am softly being reminded that I can still walk in confidence DESPITE my circumstances. It really kind of sucks tho because I want to play toward those emotions of anger and frustration and hurt and confusion. But God is whispering to me and asking me 'Aren't I your strength? Aren't I the one who gives your rest?' And I agree of course but inside I want to say "No!" while stomping my feet on the ground because it just doesn't seem fair!

So then I really can't even be torn. I can't even get the sympathy vote for anything because my strength isn't my own. Talk about unfair. I can't even use it as a pick-up line! All I can do is crawl to a corner, let the little girl out for a little bit. Clean up the mess and then get back to my life.

What a day.