I am having a slight out-of-body experience. I see my current situation and then I see myself two months ago and this is what I would tell myself... You are not defined by your circumstance- you're new nature cannot be touched by the old creation. Yet I find myself in a predicament- how do I know that is true?
You see, I am a lover of things that are true. That is why since I was very little, that is the one thing that was always tested. It was tested in many ways- sometimes through others asking questions (which is the most direct), sometimes through actions of my own and sometimes through the actions of others. The line I drew in the sand always seemed to get run over as if it were never there. The truth that seemed so evident was suddenly drowned by uncertainty and doubt.
This may be ok for some people to experience- they might consider it a joy to have this type of journey... But for me- battling the truth on a daily basis has been the hardest thing I have ever done- and it seems to be the end of me. It also may seem very insignificant to onlookers who do not know the whole story- because after all the truth is not relative... And sadly, that is the only thing I truly believe.
So what do you do when you have been building something your whole life and with all the materials you have access to, you have never been able to repair that crack in the wall- and then your worst fear happens- the whole thing comes crashing down. You know there has always been a crack but were just hoping that the tape, caulking, plaster and cement would keep it sealed.
This is my dilemma and this is my struggle. My foundation seems to be incorrect- my view of truth seems to be skewed. I have to go all the way back to the beginning and start over because there is no way I can rebuild on ashes and coal. The problem is I have run out of tools and materials. Strong wills have turned to rubber, discipline has turned to dust, prayer has turned to wishful thinking and love has turned to oil- its all over the place but just too messy.
Translation- to all those who seem to know me and to all those who think they do- so much has been shattered in my views of God and his relationship with me that I do not even know where to start reconciling my mind to agree to the things I have before. This may seem odd, and slightly unbelievable- but the day will come my friends, when your foundation needs to be rebuilt and you will be faced with a choice that will look like torture on one side and death on the other. The question is which will you choose? It seems that anything would be better than death (ok we aren't talking literal here but death as Jesus speaks as being without life- without him- so don't call the authorities, I'm not suicidal!) but after you have been tortured for so long you are willing to take anything just so it would stop.
So here is to all those who have given up- I hear you and I see you. I hope my fight can represent something someday and I can be one that can start fighting for others- but first I must make a choice- and lets hope the wishful thinking of others will persuade me to take the torture, no matter how difficult.