Torn

If I could relate myself to anything right now it would probably be that rock in those commercials trying to sell anti-depressants.

Yes. Another emo post.

But here's the thing about the rock. I don't think he is struggling with depression. He is struggling with the fact that this stupid little bird is chirping and hopping all over and the rock is having an identity crisis. He knows he is just a rock and can't fly around all happy-go-lucky. But his circumstances tell him different. Maybe they are circumstances or maybe it is peer pressure from that little blue bird. Now I don't want to put down the little bird because he doesn't know any better right? I mean all he knows is to sing and dance and the rock is doing neither. So this inner struggle erupts where the rock is suppressing how he really feels to fit in more with the bird.

This is all making sense right? Not so much.

Here's the thing about me. There is an inner 16 year old with pimples and self confidence issues that is dying to come out or at least be expressed. I feel as if my circumstances are suppressing that little girl and telling her it's not ok that she come out at this time. Meanwhile, people are dancing around her who shouldn't be dancing. There is nothing in these circumstances that qualify dancing. Not even back-up dancing. So I am torn. Do I let this girl out even though it seems like she should be tucked safely away in my back pocket?

As much as I would love to let that little girl out and all the tantrums that come with it I am softly being reminded that I can still walk in confidence DESPITE my circumstances. It really kind of sucks tho because I want to play toward those emotions of anger and frustration and hurt and confusion. But God is whispering to me and asking me 'Aren't I your strength? Aren't I the one who gives your rest?' And I agree of course but inside I want to say "No!" while stomping my feet on the ground because it just doesn't seem fair!

So then I really can't even be torn. I can't even get the sympathy vote for anything because my strength isn't my own. Talk about unfair. I can't even use it as a pick-up line! All I can do is crawl to a corner, let the little girl out for a little bit. Clean up the mess and then get back to my life.

What a day.

You can call me Emo

Since I now have one follower (fist bump to my girl) I feel I owe it to my reader(s) to post.

This weekend has been nothing short of a cuss word. Maybe the one that starts with an 's' and you could probably throw in a couple of the ones that start with an 'f'. And then on top of that it should end with a very long sentence made up of all sorts of cuss words kinda like the finale of a fireworks show. That'd be very appropriate.

Without going into detail I just want it noted that there's a reason why kids don't do the right thing despite the circumstances or outcomes... it's because sometimes it just outright sucks. It sounds like the right thing and maybe even looks like the right thing but it sure as hell doesn't feel like the right thing. I mean, reality bites right? That's what everyone says. Or maybe it's the commercials that say that. It just doesn't seem fair but then life isn't fair... blah blah blah...

I hate that relator is my number one strength. Because right now I don't want it to be.

Fasting + lack of blogging = I've got something to say

So I am looking at the other side of a 21 day fast. Now I'm not sure if I mentioned earlier but this was indeed a spiritual fast. And I hate that statement. Really. It sounds so... churchy. But oh well, I did it and that is what it was. I'm trying to gather my thoughts about what I came out with versus what I went in with.

I went in with the expectation that I would gain clarity on my life. That my life would somehow start to make sense and I would gather some kind of motivation to start in a direction. I also wanted clarity on my relationships. Those I should keep and those I should let go. And maybe not my favorite but I also went in with an expectation that I would see the world as God sees it.

First off I lost 4 pounds of myself and I would like to not find it ever again. Second, I came away with something more than I thought I would have.

Clarity: God simply showed me that if I set my focus on the right things my life becomes more clear than I could ever imagine. Clarity is always there, the problem occurs when I let the crappy things of life, or the distracting things cloud the clarity I have already been granted. If I believe that I have absolute freedom in Christ then there is a sense of clarity that comes with that and I don't want to lose it.

Direction: This is the funny one. I already have direction. Well what do I mean by that? God doesn't care what job I have or don't have. He doesn't care if I pursue a PHD in Math, go to UCR, CSUSB, UCI, Cal Poly, or Valley. He doesn't care that I have two dogs, a bed to sleep in, a floor to stand on, or a pan to cook food in. He doesn't care about my comfort. Weird. Now it almost sounds bad as in God doesn't care about me. But that's the thing. None of those are me. None of those ARE me. Do you get it? He cares about me. He cares that I wake up in the morning and go "Hello! Thank you for my breath." Now I do believe that he cares about the passions of my heart and he has placed certain desires in my nature because he wants me to have an overly abundant life. I didn't get that until now.

Relationships: If you read my subtitle you saw that "Relator" is my number one strength. I am destined for relationships. So when I asked God for revelation about the relationships I should keep or let go he answered in a very simple and soft way. He said Love all of my people. This combines the last two things I was looking for out of this fast and it is absolutely amazing the outcome. I 100% did not expect to hear that I don't have to get rid of any of my relationships! I felt like I was having a conversation with myself and it went like this...

Me: I don't know what to do. Should I stay friends with this person? Should I still keep these relationships? The Other Me: Why do you feel like you need to let relationships go? Me: Well, we aren't supposed to be friends with people who don't have their life in order right? The Other Me: Do you have your life in order? Me: Well, not exactly but I kind of know where I belong. It's not like I am in and out of jail or anything. The Other Me: What will you do without these relationships? Me: Well, I could read more books, probably workout a little more or get a job. The Other Me: Have you ever considered that your relationships are worth more than all that stuff? Me: Well, yea. The Other Me: Do you look at people through the eyes of love? Me: No.

Yea, that conversation felt a little something like that. I'm thinking "The Other Me" was slightly personified by God and he was showing me that I need to love more. And the more that I love the deeper the relationships I will have and the more I can grow. For so long I thought I had to pick and choose who I could keep as a friend... "Well this person isn't a christian, or This person has bad habits." Rubbish. Where are your roots of faith? Are they strong? Do you want to work out the hands of your faith? What about the feet of your faith? Do you believe that God works through ALL things that are good? Then why on Earth would you throw away a relationship that could change your life?

Wow. That seems pretty profound but what is even more amazing is it all flooded to me in a very simple way, while I was praying outside with my hand on a door.

So what do I want? Hands down, an overly abundant life.

Going on Day 4

So it is day 4 of the fast mentioned in a previous post and as I sit at the computer all I can think about is Baker's bean and cheese burritos. Oh Mammma!

But seriously, it hasn't been horrible going on a vegetarian diet. It's not like I can't eat any food. But it has opened my eyes that I like a lot of things with a lot of cheese, grease, fat, bread and wonderful flavors. That includes things like pizza, garlic bread, pasta, pizza, bread with butter, pizza... You get my drift? And through all this God is telling me that I shouldn't love food. I mean, come on! Food is like, amazing! I'm not supposed to love it? and dream of it? or crave it? That sucks.

At the closing of day 4 God is presenting himself to be seemingly sufficient. But when I walk into Barnes and Noble and it smells like fresh baked chocolate croissants, it is very hard to remember.

Bring it on day 21... I can't wait until I am staring at you in the face.

Fasting... aka no food

So the pastor of my church has challenged the congregation to a 21 day fast. It's not a complete fast from food but from "choice foods" like meat, dairy products, and anything yummy. That leaves fruits and vegetables.

Today is DAY 1 and I had a banana, orange and pineapple smoothy for breakfast, a pomegranate smoothy for lunch from Jamba, and a bowl of blackbeans and fajita veggies for dinner. Though I love my mama #1 meal with a raspberry iced tea from Baker's, I hope I can manage to resist it's sweet temptation!

The entire purpose of the fast isn't just to resist yummy foods but rather to focus on God and draw near to him in a pursuit of prevailing prayer. It sounds kind of scary if you ask me, but I am willing to see how my body reacts to a change in eating habits and my mind reacts to a change of heart.

So I hope that the next 21 days goes as smoothly as possible, in those 21 days I hope to walk away with a clear purpose of what I can do in my near future, a desiring heart for God and possibly shedding a few pounds while getting my life under control! It will not be easy and I don't expect it to be. I can guarantee that things I need to work on will be shoved in my face with no excuses of sweeping them under the rug!

Here is to a successful day 1, and to the anticipation of the days to come.

Fruit Bootin'

I have a confession to make... I am a fruit booter. I have hidden this part of me for quite awhile and it was time to admit to it.

So this is part of my exercise adventure, and you can completely disregard my first post saying that I would do it everyday... that isn't going to happen. But I had an adventure today putting on my new rollerblades for the first time in over 10 years. It brought back memories of me and my dear friends rollerblading near the U of R, catching robbers and escaping prison. About as soon as the memories came so did the burning in my legs... Holy Moly did my legs burn!

I only made it a half an hour today and Pearle hardly made it that long as I was dragging her behind me, not even letting her stop to pee.

I recently got the itch to join a roller derby team based out of the IE and derby is no skate in the park (no pun intended). It's pretty hardcore and it's a whole bunch of women who have full-time jobs or stay at home with the kids who get to run over, push, shove and nearly wrestle as they get out their frustrations of everyday life... sounds like my kind of sport.

I will decide this weekend if I am going to be brave enough to join, so until then I will try to rollerblade again and ignore the intense burning in my legs.

Who am I kidding

So I thought I would be clever and start this silly blog to document about my exercising. And since there hasn't really been any exercising there hasn't been any blogs. I know I have really disappointed a lot of my readers because they have been expecting things from me and I have let them down...

Enough of the drama, I have been doing a bit of exercise. Just a bit. I ride my bike about a mile-ish to my school from down the street because I can't afford to buy a parking permit. It is actually kind of nice. I get to cruise on Pearle II down a busy road with crazy college drivers all over the place, oh and I park right next to a high school. I've only done it for two weeks, so I hope it lasts all quarter long.

I've also been walking in the mornings with my friend Teresa. Day 4 into it I'm sore. I am sore from walking up my street, down the block and back to my house. Seems pretty pathetic. Compared to some I am in shape, but compared to those who are actually in shape I am no where near. I fondly look back on sweet high school pictures with muscular legs and no extra person hiding underneath my arms and I sigh, take another bite of my chicken frontega sandwich from Panera, drink my espresso and get on with my life.

Is it the end of the world that I don't fit into a size 10 jean anymore? No.
Is it the end of the world that I don't get motivated to work out intensely? No.
Is it the end of the world when I burn my favorite chocolate chip cookies? Abso-frikin-lutely.

So here is to tomorrow, waking up to go for a walk, to come back sore, and to eat another marble pound cake from Starbucks.